long time no.. type?

Sorry for the long length of absence. Things have actually been busy at work and I haven’t found the time to come and write. Generally I spend my spare time reading all the other blogs, is that wrong?

So catch up time, yay! Things have been going pretty well. This past weekend was a lot of fun. Friday night was date night at the Boy’s house. We cooked dinner (steak, potatos and cucumber/tomato salad), watched National Treasure 2 (yeah, we’re dorks) and also Cloverfield, which was a terrible movie. I am so glad I never went to see that in the theater. Saturday was a day that consisted of a lot of errands, but it was fun. Pottery Barn, Lowe’s, HEB. We have friends who are married who like to make the joke that we are more married than they are. Just because we went to pottery barn two weekends in a row doesn’t make us more married than they are! Well, maybe it does. I do accompany a lot of trips to furniture stores and lowes. Saturday night we went to eat with some friends at this dive mexican place that is delicious on the south side of town. Oh and while we were there, Drew Barrymore and Justin Long came in with their crew and sat at the table next to us. Those were the first big celebrities I’ve ever seen in real life, it was kind of surreal. Drew Barrymore is tiny and also seems like she has a lot of energy and a lot of fun. After eats we headed downtown to 4th street to this Irish pub called Fados. We hung out there for a few hours and then decided we need to go “make friction” as one member of our group called it. So we headed out to Red Fez to Dance till close. I don’t often make it out till close (I’m terrible at staying up late), but I did that night and it was a blast. Good crowd, good music, good drinks, good time. Sunday was fairly lazy as all Sunday’s should be. I waiting around at the boy’s house because he had some friends from out of town stopping by to see the place and say adios and I wanted to be there to say goodbye myself. Then I headed home and the boy and I met up a few hours later to go see WALL-E. It was terrific. I wasn’t really jazzed about the movie until a few days ago when I really just had the overwhelming desire to go see it (what, I have a weakness for robots). Both the boy and I really enjoyed ourselves, it was pretty entertaining.

So now we’re into the workweek and I am pumped that it is only 4 days! Thank you 4th of July being on Friday this year. Next year’s gonna suck though, it being on Saturday and probably not getting a day off from work. Work’s been busier which is definitely nice. It makes me feel more secure in my job and not as anxious thinking I’m going to get laid off any day now. They have laid off 3 or 4 more people in the last few weeks, but it’s being kept pretty hushed and I don’t think there will be anymore major ones.

So next up, the boy and I are headed to San Diego at the end of July for one of his best friend’s from college’s wedding. I am really excited to go to San Diego, I’ve never been, and to meet some of his good friends from college. At the same time, I’m a little worried about it. These guys were around for the boy’s ex. That was college time. Logically - I know that it doesn’t matter. The boy and I are in a great place right now and growing stronger everyday. I know that his friends are just excited to meet one of their good friend’s girlfriends and just like everybody else, they are going to like me, especially if they see how happy I make their friend. I imagine they wouldn’t ever say anything regarding the ex or stories of the two of them, because I think that is common curtosy to not speak of an ex with the current GF around. Emotionally - I’m still a little scarred from the whole ordeal. I’ve had a lot of hurts related to her and being reminded of her and I don’t want that to come into this trip. I want to have a good time. I want to meet and hang out with his friends from college and not give her a second thought. Logically - I know that is most likely what is going to happen. Emotionally - I’m still a little anxious. I think it will pass though, this all just came up in discussion last night. The boy is so great about talking to me about it now though. He knows how much he did hurt me with all of that and he’s trying to be understanding and supportive, even if he doesn’t get my emotional part of it. He’s a very logical one, that boy. He tells me “mountains to molehills”, being that I am a mountain to him and she is a molehill, or something lower, like maybe a hole in the ground. He’s silly, that one. It’s just hard to shake those first impressions though, ya know? He first gave me the impression of her as the mountain and that I didn’t measure up, and even though I know in my heart that is no longer true and I believe and trust what he says and understand why he did what he did and what he was thinking, it’s hard to shake. Again, I think it will heal itself with time. I can’t rush it and I can’t be frustrated with it. It’ll pass because we are strong and growing even stronger everyday.

Last night was great. I had a little work party at work from 4:30-6:30 and ended up getting a little tipsy drinking wine (it’s so hard to ration when it’s free!) and hanging out with a good friend here. Once things kind of wrapped up here I called the boy because, let’s face it, I have zero self control when I’ve been drinking. So we get to talking and flirting and he then basically invites me over. So I go over and well, you can pretty much guess what happens then, I mean I haven’t really seen him alone in days so we were pretty excited to see each other. After that… I make a frozen pizza and we completely got hooked on TV. What TV you may ask? Why, High School Musical 1. See last summer I made him record High School musical 2 for me and he secretly enjoyed it, so this was on disney and we ended up watching the entire thing, which wasn’t the plan. The plan was to go to a show of some friends of mine from college and then he was going to read for school. Ah well. I like what happened better.

It was a great night. Hopefully tonight will be even better.

Oh and I’m currently eating a potato, egg and cheese breakfast taco with salsa and it is delicious. This is one giant PRO to living in South Texas. They don’t make em like this anywhere else, trust me. It’s quite the way to start off a Friday!

Titles for blog posts are too hard. I feel too much pressure to be witty, smart and clever or nobody will read my post, which let’s face it, I don’t think people read it anyways. Which brings me to another point, I shouldn’t care if people read this or not. It’s not for anybody else, it’s for me. It’s fun and it breaks up my day, it helps me get out all the thoughts running through my head and sometimes it helps me to remember the good times I’ve had or how lucky I am to live the life I do. But I feel pressure. Pressure that I talk too much about my boyfriend, pressure that I’m not funny enough, should I be doing these little 101 things about me things, etc. Why can’t I just write what I want to write? Of course, I can write what I want to write. It’s all this imaginary pressure built up in my mind to fit in with all the other blogs I read. Damn you middle school, why have you screwed up so much of how I function as an adult?

Anywho, so I had book club last night. It was so much fun. I got to meet 3 new, fun, wonderful girls and drink 3 glasses of bubbily wine and eat a cheese plate (my favorites). So I need to finish up The Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s Childhood friend and start on The Other Boleyn Girl. I’m excited that that’s what they wanted to read because I have picked it up probably twice to buy and both times decided against it. I’m excited to have the motivation to read it now. Tonight there is a friend of a friend’s concert at this crazy dive bar which should be a good time. Tomorrow I’m going to see sex and the city with a friend of mine who hasn’t seen it yet and we’re going to my favorite place to see movies, the Drafthouse. Not only that we are going to the one downtown so we can order cosmopolitans along with our movie. I do not understand how every city in America doesn’t have a drafthouse or something like it. A place to see a movie and get some food and drinks, it’s not that tricky of a concept and is everybody’s top choice to see a movie in Austin.

Work is crazy boring. I have one small project to work on that I think I’m just about done with and can’t stand to look at anymore. Otherwise the other projects I’ve been working on are all out with the client or not due until next week. It’s just all getting a little slow and I’ve been filling my work days with watching Season 4 of Family Guy. This, of course, is only after I finished watching How I met your Mother season 2. Yeah, I need some new projects.

I went to the river this weekend, the Frio river. There we had a discussion about how there is a difference between White Trash and Texas White Trash. I don’t know what it is, but it’s amazing (usually includes lots of A&M paraphernalia). Cowboy hats, boots (yes with swimtrunks), trucks (my poor little 2 door civic was very out of place), cans and cans of beer, it’s something else. All in all, it was a fun time though. The boy and I had a talk beforehand and he ended up coming with me to the wedding (which was at this river) and we had a really good weekend.

We got to the cabins about 10:30 on Friday night and hung out with my parents for a while before heading to bed. Saturday we were up and setting up the wii by 9:30am. The morning consisted of a walk with my mom and lots of wii tennis with my dad and the boy. We made it down to the river a little after noon once my sister and her BF got there. We stayed down at the river for a few hours before we had to head back to the cabin to get ready for the wedding. Oh and I got badly sunburned. This is my theory, I applied the suntan lotion before we left the cabin but then wore a backpack down to the river and I think the straps rubbed off all the lotion i had just applied because it is the only place I got burnt. I’ve forgotten how much burns suck! They really limit what you can do. I was going to go to body pump tomorrow (a class at my gym that includes the bars and weights), but I can’t rest the bars on my shoulders for all the squats and lunges, not to mention it just hurts to move around that much. Maybe I’ll just make it there for the Elliptical though.

Okay, back from the tangent. So we went out to the wedding which was small, informal and very nice. The groom wore Jeans, in the true Texas fashion, but the bride was in a very pretty dress with a blue sash. I have to say, I am liking the wedding dress sash this year. After the wedding we headed next door to this restaurant/music venue/bar. We hung out there drinking our coors light (once we realized that to really experience the river culture we should be drinking cheap beer instead of our dos xx). A few hours later and we were headed back to the cabin.

Father’s Day was nice. Breakfast with the family and more wii action. My sister and I bought our Dad the Lego Star Wars Wii game and I finally got my mom to try to play tennis with me (a feat in itself, trust me). Then we headed home because the boy has homework and I wanted to make sure he had all the time he needed. We were supposed to start spending some time apart just to breath and think and refresh after last Thursday, but he ended up inviting me over to watch Transformers and we had a great time.

I know the boy has some thinking to do and I completely understand that, but I feel okay about all of this. I’m not really worried. I don’t feel like we’re done, I think he just needs some time to sort through everything because he wants to handle our relationship in a healthy manner. He doesn’t want to swallow his feelings or repress anything and end up being very passive aggressive. I think it’s a smart move and I want to give him the space he needs to figure that out. I will miss him very much these next few days though.

Tonight there is a nice distraction though, book club! I haven’t met with these girls before but we are discussing the book “Lamb: The Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s Childhood friend”. Also, we are discussing this book at a wonderful wine bar called Vino Vino. It’s amazing, I love it. So there will be much girl talk and wine drinking and picking out the next book. The book was entertaining for me. I have some friends who didn’t make it through the whole thing, but being raised in the church and attending a church affiliated university, I think I could relate to the unique perspective a bit more. It was funny and definitely a new way to look at the life of Christ. I still have about 50 pages left that hopefully I can knock out after work, but I think I know how it ends.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I honestly don’t. I always thought I was this well put together young lady. Smart, funny, successful, driven, pretty, loyal, etc. But I suck at life sometimes. I get angry with my boyfriend. About once a week we get into it, like a hardcore fight. This week (being last night) it was because I am so rediculous. I’m scared. I’m scared of being this invested in someone else, I’m scared of that someone else hurting me, and yesterday I freaked out. We had a talk during the work day where I just felt like he was too close. Knowing too much. Getting to this point of understanding me too well. And it freaked me out. Now of course, instead of looking at this fact and thinking and talking about it, I ignored it. Then I went to HH. Then on my way home, I called the boy and he didn’t answer. I left a message and called again when I was getting closer to home (about 15 minutes) and he didn’t answer. So of course, I got annoyed because he knew I was going to call after HH and why wouldn’t he have his phone/I’m so freaked out by all of this I’m going to pick a fight. So I yelled at him. Then I pushed him away with all I had. I believe something along the lines of, if you don’t love me at my worst why would you ever want to marry me and this is just going to turn into some 3-4 year relationship and you’ll finally figure out you don’t want to marry me and destroy me.

Ah yes, rational isn’t it? I mean, once I figured out what I was doing and what was going on, I talked to him and apologized and told him what was going on, etc. I just think it was the fight that broke the camel’s back and now I am in waiting. He has to think about things. Think about if he really wants to be in this relationship because he thinks I am not happy with him and that’s why we fight. What is so wrong with me that I can’t just be happy? I am happy with him. I love him so much and it is killing me that it might all be over as of 6:30 this evening.

One way or another, I know I’ll be fine. If we break up, then it wasn’t meant to be. But I am going to hate myself for screwing this up because it is/was something amazing. He is someone amazing. Someone I was lucky to date and I am so mad that it might not work out. Mad at God, mad at the world, I don’t know. Why bring me someone to date and fall in love with only to throw shit at it and then this, where we just might not be right for each other. It’s so stupid and I hate that it is like this.

Anyways, I guess we’ll all know what happens soon.

Yay for summer! I don’t know what it is, but I actually really love the Texas heat. I love that it’s going to be 101 today and this weekend. I can’t wait to lay out and read and get super duper hot and drink. Also, even though I am doing the exact same thing as I do throughout the rest of the year (welcome to adulthood), I still feel like it’s more relaxed in the summer. Maybe it’s a mental thing, you know, stemming back to the 16 years of school we went to that trained us to recognize the summer as a relaxed, carefree time. Whatever it is, I don’t want to lose it. I love the summer, even when I don’t have that wonderful summer vacation I had grown so accustomed to. Almost makes me want to be a teacher.

Today I am going to a happy hour after work with two lady friends I am very excited to catch up with. Seriously, some very cool ladies. Both a little older than me (I only really have 1 or 2 friends actually my age, apparently all the other 24 year olds in the world are still in school or living in Mom’s basement), both in serious relationships (always good for the advice and encouragement) and both I share a lot of interests with (music, books, food, wine). It’s been a few weeks since I’ve last hung out with them and I am looking forward to the good time. We’re heading to this bar that is very chill, I think it’s actually a sports bar, and drinking some beers outside. After that I get to go home and prepare for the weekend!

So the weekend - I have a wedding to attend. It’s at this place in Texas called Concan, I have yet to find anybody else besides my family and the bride’s family that have heard of it. It’s close to the Frio river and about 3 hours away from Austin. It should be a lot of fun. My whole family is going and of course my sister’s boytoy and my boytoy. It should be a weekend of hanging out, laying out, sitting in a very shallow river, and drinking. With of course, the wedding Saturday night. I’m actually looking forward to it, it should be fun.

Only one more day of the workweek, yay! Happy Thursday and here’s to an even better Friday!

All in all, a great weekend.

Friday night, we had a fight. But we were able to handle it, yay! We were able to talk about what bothered us, what made each other upset. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard when we fight like that. It wears me out. However, when we’ve made up and we’re sitting in the movie and he can tell that I’m just a little down from the whole thing so he leans over and whispers “I’m sorry, I love you”, it’s worth it. The movie was good, we finally saw Iron Man and it was definitely entertaining. After we saw the movie we headed down to a dive bar we like. We let a few friends know and had a group of about 8 hanging out and drinking pitchers. We actually called it a little early (midnight instead of 2am) and 3 of us heading over to the Boy’s house to attempt to get pizza (we got on the discussion of pizza and suddenly it was all we wanted). After multiple calls to dominos and papa johns we couldn’t find anywhere open to deliver to us so we had to settle for an organic 3 cheese frozen pizza. It was delicious. So we hung out, ate pizza and watched some flight of the conchords and then headed up to bed after our friend left.

Saturday the boy came with me bed shopping (again, thanks government!). I went to 3 places and was happy with the first one I picked out so off I went to buy it. Then calling my sister and her boy toy because he has a truck so we could arrange picking it up on Sunday. After that the boy and I head to TJ Maxx and I got some new sheets and a mattress pad. Expensive - yes, worth it - yes. Then that afternoon I went to see Sex and the City with roommate and that was a great time. They did a good job. I think there were a few corny moments thrown in there, but all in all, it stayed true to the series and was pretty realistic. I am sure I will rent it as soon as it comes out and make the boy (who secretly really likes chick flicks) watch it. After the movie I went over to the boy’s house and we cooked dinner. Steak, potatos and asparagus. It was delicious. We had a bottle of wine that we got in Napa, (which is amazing and we are trying to figure out where we can get it here) and then a bottle of champagne. I love champagne and there is no need for a super special occasion for it. We drank and watched a movie and then went to bed. It was a great night. Great day.

Sunday we met up with my sister and picked up my bed. We all had lunch at the OG (Olive Garden) and I’m sure we probably all regretted it later. I’m sorry, but the OG is not my favorite place to eat. But I’m not going to lie, those breadsticks are great. Then the boy helped me put my bed together and we split up for the afternoon. He had school and such to do so I just hung out in my new bed. He came over that night and we watched some Weeds and then read our books and headed to bed.

All in all, a good good weekend. Although we did find out that our house has ants, big ants, probably carpenter ants. We called the landlord, but I’m a little worried. They’ve been showing up in our shower and I think there are quite a few of them in the walls. I don’t want to move! At least I don’t own the place. I hope everybody else had a great weekend as well, and if not, you will. We all get our turn.

Thank goodness. I am so glad that we are finally getting to the end of the workweek. I don’t know how we are supposed to do this for the next 50 years. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my job, but I would still much rather just get to hang out and have fun everyday.

Today is going to be slow. We had a little pop of work the last week or two, but now things are pretty much on their way out and I haven’t been assigned to anything new. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be working on today. I’m afraid of bringing this to my bosses attention because I don’t want to appear to be useless or that there is no need to have me around. Hopefully next week we will get some stuff in to work on or that I can help out on. My job situation isn’t as secure as I’d like it to be, but it seems to be getting better. It all just depends on what work we get in and if they can afford to keep us all. I haven’t heard rumors of any more layoffs, but I am not quite high up enough to know what the big guns are thinking. There are 5 art directors on the print side and most likely we don’t need all of them. There is one Jr. (me), one AD, and 3 senior ADs. I’m hoping that if they do decide they need to lay someone off that they will choose one of the 3 senior ADs as there are 3 of them and they all get paid way more than I do. Also, I feel bad hoping that someone I work with gets laid off even if it does mean that I won’t.

Plans for the weekend: I’m off to see Iron Man tonight. I’ve heard good things about it but haven’t seen it yet. I hope it’s a good time. Then the boy and I are heading off to a dive bar to hopefully meet up with some friends and have a fun, relaxed night. Tomorrow I am going to see the sex and the city movie with my roommate in the afternoon. Before that I want to go shop around for beds because I am buying a new bed! That is my way of contributing to the economy, thanks government check! And hopefully I’ll get to have some quality time lounging with the boy. Should be a good weekend.

Speaking of the boy, things are good right now. Personally I am still struggling and little bit with just relaxing. I get so worked up being scared of getting hurt again. Questions run through my head, I start to be suspicious of everything, I’m not sure how to let all of that go. I think it will happen naturally with time. The more that time goes by and we are happy, I hope I can finally let down my guard and relax. When I’m with him I’m fine, but it’s when we’re apart that my mind starts racing and going back into defense mode. I don’t want to get hurt again and I have such a hard time opening myself up again. I’m trying because I love him so much and I really do want to be with him. I hope that it can happen.

I went to the gym twice this week so far! yay me! I know that sounds lame, only twice!, but it’s good for me, trust me. I’m really trying to work on getting more and more into the habit of going. I know it helps me mentally and physically and I really do want to lose some weight and feel better about myself. So let’s hope the motivation sticks and I continue to keep going. I’m also going to San Diego in the end of July and I know we’ll be at the beach a lot. I also know there are a lot of skinny, pretty, blond, tan girls in San Diego, so I’m hoping to lose some weight so I feel a little better about myself around them.

So last night went well. The plan was for the boy to give me a call at about 8:30 so he could have some time to think about things and try to figure out how we can work through these crazy fights we have. However, he had lunch with a friend who gave him some advice. He said that the boy should be more proactive. Do something different to help get us out of this rut. So the boy went out and bought flowers and brought them over at like 6:30 and then took me to dinner. We still had to talk about things we needed to try to do when we get worked up in the future so we can try to avoid these fights, so hopefully that stuff will sink in and we’ll be able to move past all of this. I would hate that we have to break up because we have this one major flaw that we can’t change. It’s just part of our personalities.

I still think we need some time to heal from the fight and think about things, but I’m hoping things will be okay. I’m still scared, for sure. I don’t know if this is a common thing, but I get scared that maybe I love him too much. More than he cares about me. That maybe I am more invested than he is. Then again, I know we express those things differently. He’s much more guarded when it comes to things of the heart.

Oh relationships… you are hard and scary, but totally worth it.

This is hard for me to write because I am a proud person. I know that I have written a lot in this blog complaining about the woes of my relationship, of the problems we have, the fights we have. Please don’t get me wrong, my relationship is great most of the time. We are both terribly stubborn and have the worst fights when we do fight, draining fights, damaging fights, mean fights. I did one of those astrology things where you match up your sign with the person you are dating when we first starting dating. It’s scary how accurate it was. Basically that we are a great combination, but will have “epic battles”. It said as long as we remember that we love each other, we should be okay. I guess I’m here to admit that maybe okay isn’t good enough. I’m here to admit that we may not make it and that kills me. I love this boy. So much. It kills me to even write that we might be ending it. Again,  I’m trying to be honest though. Honest with myself and honest with the internet world. I guess this is why a blog is good, even if nobody reads it, you still feel like you’re being held accountable.

I don’t know what to do. We had a fight last night, over something so tiny, but of course blew up into something huge because of our stubbornness. It’s amazing, really. I’ve never been this passionate in my life as I have in this relationship, good and bad. Last night, in our fight, it never crossed my mind that we would break up. However, the boy did. We talked after that and decided to keep trying and to work it out, but I don’t know. I feel like I’m pushing him into it. I feel like I had to convince him why he wanted to be with me and that’s not good. I don’t think he knows why he loves me. I don’t think he knows if he does, honestly (This is super hard to write, by the way, but I am hoping it will be therapeutic).

Maybe I am being stubborn. Maybe I am not looking at what our relationship is. Maybe it really is bad for us and shouldn’t continue. Maybe I just want it to be right so badly I am ignoring what is staring me in the face. My gut keeps telling me that I love him and want to be with him and I want to trust that, but is it smart? Should I listen to my brain, my logic, my reason? Should I just throw in the towel, call it quits, see what’s next? I’m so scared that I’m throwing away the best thing that’s happened to me, but maybe that’s because I’m stuck in this middle of this love haze that nobody can see clearly through.

He asked me last night if I was just wanting to stay in this because I was scared of being alone. I honestly don’t think that’s it. I told him I was more scared that this was IT for me than scared of being alone. Scared of NOT dating anyone else. I really don’t feel like I need to feel the heartache that comes after breakup but not because I’m scared of it, because I don’t really feel that this is wrong. I still think this is right. Gah, my stupid heart. How can I be so in love with someone and still have these terrible fights? I know things aren’t always perfect and I know every relationship is different, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I should keep going or stop. If there is any relationship guru out there, I’m open to any advice you may want to throw my way. Sorry for being such a downer, but hey, it’s my blog, my place to vent. Life sucks sometimes.